Cars and Lechery

This post was principally written on 3/15/13, but I've been slowly editing it...
I just arrived in Adelaide. I decided mid-week I was going, and the decision was mainly due to every place in Melbourne being completely full. I say mainly because there are other reasons, such as a friend playing in a show and a desire to see more of Australia so that in the event that I run out of money and have to go home prematurely I've been outside of just Melbourne. The reason Melbourne is completely full is because of the Formula 1 Racing being in town. Apparently, it's one of the biggest weekends for the hostels/hotels. As an opponent of racing "sports" as a general rule, believe me when I say I was none to pleased to find out this information. The direct quote I consistently used was "it's just cars driving! Who gives a shit?! If you want to see cars driving you can go to the highway any time you want!" I'm not gonna retract that statement, but I will say that I did go to the free day for F1 and I did enjoy the shit out of it.  It was a lot more than just cars and the watching of their driving therein (does that make sense? Pretend it did). While we did watch them for a while, there was also a stationary car that you could race a friend which I won, free samples of shampoo (I'm poor, that gets me excited. Oh and I got both man and woman shampoos; don't judge, still poor), and an inflated jump bag that was 10 meters off the ground. I was particularly cavalier about the height from the ground, but it was an entirely different story when I got to the top. In my head I knew it was perfectly safe, but goddamn if my body did not want to jump. It took everything I had to jump and it was exhilarating, but apparently I let out a yelp as I leapt. Not like a braveheart yell or a manly scream. Nope. Just a scared, involuntary yelp. After I'd jumped I had that giddy feeling again, kinda like the one I had at the beach in LA. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have jumped if the same situation had been back home, but it was here and it was exactly the kind of situation that I came here to do. I watched a video for bungie-jumping the other day, and I think I'm gonna try it. Knowing that feeling of pushing myself do something my body absolutely refuses to do was pretty unique for me. I want it again. Before coming here, I wanted to sky-dive. I might still, but I also may leave it for a different time. Sky-diving is everywhere; I can do that back home if push comes to shove. Lastly, I keep seeing the city from different angles. The view from that area of town particularly great. Melbourne has an absolutely stunning skyline.

I had a bizarre experience at the hostel these past few days. I'm not particularly keen on sharing it, but as long as I'm pushing my boundaries here, I figure I should just tell the tale. I was put into a 14 bed room that was unbearably warm at night, and oh just for kicks, 12 of those beds were filled with beautiful women who stripped down to their underwear at night. How great, right? Yeah, no. Not the best by a longshot. First of all, my period synced with theirs in 2 days (seriously, I've had that one locked and loaded for the better part of a week...), but more importantly, nothing makes you feel like a gross old man than 12 women no older than 22. Oh, and check it out, none of them speak English natively, so I can't even settle for a charming weirdo. Nope, I just get to be a weirdo, a weirdo who is staring at girls in their underwear in bed (no sheets either, of course, because remember it's like 100 degrees) BECAUSE THERE'S LITERALLY NOWHERE ELSE TO LOOK. And let's not forget that they are in groups that speak the same language, Swedish and French I think, so I'm pretty sure all they were doing the whole time was recognizing how big a creep I am and judging me openly. I'm not saying I want a situation where it's just me and only dudes, but christ, help me out, would ya?! Here's the worst part: I'm not even the creepiest dude in the hostel! There were old creepy old dudes in my last room that were way worse than me, so by comparison I looked like a normal dude trying to mind my own business. Which is precisely what I was doing. But since Jimmy, the crooning sexagenarian Colombian Scientologist, isn't directly nearby, I'm the oldest person in the room. (Jimmy, btw, also recommended that I take supplements to give life that little extra zip!) Fucking christ I probably am just that creepy. Fuck. Don't judge me.

There's more going on, but that'll be in another post.

*Editor's note: I realize I've used the word "creepy" a lot in this post. Turns out the thesaurus isn't that great when talking about creeps.

Living and Alcohol

3/10/13 2pm local time.

I've been in this country for over two weeks now, and I'm still jobless and homeless. That's not to say I don't have a place to stay, but a hostel is not a home. I'm actually back in Hotel Discovery tonight. It's the hostel I've been staying at for the past 2 weeks here, but they were complete full last night. In fact, every hostel in town was full. There was a big music festival in town. While I chose Melbourne because it's a worldly city with lost going on, it's getting pretty fucking annoying that there's something that brings in tons of people each weekend, and the hostels get overbooked. Next week is Formula 1 racing, and it's raising the prices of the hostels in town, so I may do some traveling instead of being here. Anyways, bringing it back to my predicament last night, I had to stay at a hotel in South Yarra, a nearby suburb just south of the Yarra River. It was actually a really nice hotel that if I were on a regular vacation I would stay at. I stayed with a friend I met at Discovery, and it was still $60 each, but seeing as how a hotel alone would have cost me $100 it was the right choice. I have to say it was nice to get away from the hostel life, if only for a night. The hotel had a mini fridge in the room, in room bathroom, and there was rooftop pool which had a great view of the city. I finally got to drink the bottle of beer I bought on my first day in Australia. The hostel doesn't allow outside alcohol, and I'd been itching to drink it. The beer was a pale ale, and god was it good. I never thought I'd say this, but I actually really miss IPAs since getting here. Drinking beer with a strong hop flavor is not a common occurrence here, and it reminds me of home. I want to point out that it's not that aren't available here, they are, but they're a lot less common in bars and not particularly common in stores. Craft beers are also significantly more expensive here. Well, not just craft beers, all alcohol. It's actually pretty ridiculous. Back home, you can get a 375mL of Bacardi for about $9, but here you're looking at $24 for that exact same bottle (well, not exactly the same. It's Cuban, not Puerto Rican. Embargo'd!) What most people do at the bar is buy pitchers (they call them jugs) of Carlton or VB (Victoria Bitters, I think). They're like your typical lager; think Bud or Miller. I can't tell if they're good or not. I'm quite fond of them, but there's a distinct possibility that it's because beer is served cold and this country has been very hot lately. You can get a pitcher for usually about $15, but I've seen them for as low as $10. A pint usually runs about $7 or $8, but they sell half pints for less, usually like $5. I got a shot of tequila (José Cuervo) at a nearby bar the other day for $8.50, and btw, shots are only 30mL here instead of about 50mL back home. The thing about alcohol here is though that bars aren't exceptionally more expensive than liquor stores. If you want to buy a 24 pack of beer, you're looking at about $50. Everywhere sells beer by the individual bottle, which cheap beers typically run about $3 for about 12oz (sizes range here a bit more with the metric system. Some are 375mL, some are 330mL). A common thing people do in the hostel is buy a box of Goon, which is, you guessed it, cheap boxed wine, and drink in the park. It runs about $10 for 4 liters, and supposed to be completely terrible. I personally have stuck to beer for my park drinking though.

Some friends are leaving today. It's a bit of strange life. They're going to other cities within Australia, so I may meet up with them later, but I'm not looking forward to having to make new friends. The hostel isn't great at fostering connections, which doesn't help. But even just meeting new people all the time gets to be a hassle. Here's how a conversation goes with every new person at the hostel: Where are you from? I'm from the US. Oh, where in the US? Minneapolis, do you know where that is? Ok, do you know where Chicago is? Ok, it's in the north middle part of the country. What did you do back home? What brings you here?
I realize that this won't end even after I leave the hostel, but hopefully less common and more one-sided.

One more side note before I post (I'm losing focus...), I'm starting to get sick of sushi. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but it's one of the cheapest foods here, and it's practically everywhere. They make it goofy too. I know I've talked about it a little bit, with the hand rolls and all (it's still weird, but it's growing me), but they also have weird kinds, like rolls with egg, and cooked chicken and beef. I know they have most of them at home, but I get the impression that they're less common. Here they're everywhere.
And having written all that, I think I'm gonna go get some sushi.

Making Friends and Such

Tuesday Mar/5/13, 2:35am
Ok, so things have gotten better for me since that last sad post. I've been meeting more people here, both at the hostel and at comedy shows. I know I mentioned earlier that there are very few Americans here, but it colors all of my interactions in this country, so I want to talk about it further.

In the hostel, there are a lot of Europeans, mostly Germans and Brits, but make no mistake there are people from all corners of Europe. I took two semesters of German in college, but it hasn't been particularly necessary, since all the Germans here speak pretty decent German. If I were better at it I might be able to hear if they're talking shit or something. Interestingly, I actually have used Spanish recently. A pair of Italians were put in my room who, combined, know about 7 words in English. I used to think that Spanish and Italian were mutually intelligible. Turns out, it's a bit different... I will say that I found out in Italian, calling a girl a pig is calling her a slut. The two guys are very friendly. I mentioned I worked in politics back home and one mentioned that Burlesconi is banging a friend of his.
I befriended a pair of Danes, and have decided I should learn Danish, because like my concern for the Germans, these guys talk shit in Danish since there are only about 5 million people in the world who speak it. A good example of when it would have been helpful was when my Danish friend (Jacob) and I went to a Mongolian restaurant (I have a food post that I'm working on, hold your horses) that was really expensive. If I'd spoken Danish, I could have openly said so, but alas I don't (yet). They're both physics engineers in grad school. I've noticed there are a few groups of friends in the hostel here, and I've kind of fallen in with one. It's weird. I never expected to be in a situation like this. It feels a bit like high-school. I still feel a bit like a loner though, I'm actually quite ok it. I'm booked for a comedy show tomorrow night, so it'll be nice to have a group of friends who are still willing to come out and see me.

I intended to talk about the comedy here, but I'm tired. I still have a lot to say about a lot of topics so I'll write tomorrow during the day, but for now, I want this to be posted.

The Hostel

Feb 24th, 9:45pm local time. (look, I know this is being posted not at that time. Internet is shoddy in this country, I'll write more in depth about it later, but it means right now is that I can't always post when I write)
I figure I should put that it's local time since, my concept of time is completely warped. I saw somebody post about an upcoming event that was later in the night, only it was a day earlier. It was a surreal experience. Right now, what that means is that in CST, it's 4:45am, but hey at least it's the same day.

Perhaps somewhat related to my last comment, I feel a bit isolated here. So far since coming here, I've met only one person from the US. This hostel is enormous, and full of people from every corner of the world, except for the US turns out. As I write, there's a woman sitting relatively close by Skyping in French. Whether she's from France or Quebec I'll never know. People are quite cold hear. It's a far cry from the hostel I stayed in in Los Angeles. Duo Housing was small, intimate, and friendly. Discovery Melbourne is massive, distant, and, again, cold. Even the staff here is pretty get you in/get you out.
Before I get any further, I want to mention that it's the hostel itself that the people are cold. Aussie's have been very friendly, if somewhat difficult to understand at times (I'm also having a tough time distinguishing English and Australian accents. I'm not hearing them together; if I'm out and about, obviously everybody is Australian, but the hostel is chock full of Brits, and other Europeans whose English sounds British).

Reading back, this post seems really cynical. It's really not as bad as I'm making it out to be. I just feel like a huge stranger here.
But there's a bar in the basement, so it's not all bad.

Food

Being an overweight American, it's high time I should post about the differences in foods here.

The inspiration for this post came from listening to Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet. I'd totally forgot that one of their songs was used in a Taco Bell commercial back in the day (the song is called Zombie Compromise, if you're interested) and I started opining. It's been at most like 2 weeks since I last had Taco Bell, but knowing I can't just go out and get it is the worst feeling ever. Luckily there are a few America fast food places and several Mexican restaurants that will suffice. There's McDonalds, Burger King (called Hungry Jacks here (fuck that)), and Subway practically everywhere. There's also some local fast food places that are like American fast food, slightly askew. Like a place that sold chicken sandwiches, but as if to insult me and everything I stand for, they called them chicken burgers. Not ok.) To be perfectly honest, the American fast food places here are practically the same. The sauce on the Big Mac I had was a little bit tangier, but mostly the same. I also wanted to note that food is significantly more expensive here. No $5 footlongs here though. It's $7, which is still one of the better deals. McDonalds and Hungry Jack (BK) both still have dollar menus too, but they're called like "pocket change" menus, and everything is $2 or more.

There is a lot of food around the CBD though (that's what they call downtown; it stands for "Central Business District". They also don't know the rest of the world just says downtown) There are a lot of sushi places, but they're slightly different too. While you can get a roll that has like 6-8 pieces, what most places sell are "hand rolls", which are about the size of 3 regular sushi pieces and people just eat them by hand instead of chop sticks. It's actually kind of nice, because they're also pretty cheap. You can get them as cheap as $1.50. While there's no Taco Bell, I did find a Chipotle style burrito place that was pretty good. They make small too, so it's like $5 instead of $8 every time. The chips and guac was good, too. Which is good because I am having the damndest time trying to find tortilla chips. It's like grocery stores don't have them. They have Doritos, but Doritos aren't fucking tortilla chips. It's like they're mocking me too, because they have salsa, and it's called salsa, unlike ketchup which is called "tomato sauce" (they pronounce tomato with a soft "a", like tuh-mah-toh). Oh, and I did see a place called "Taco Bill", but I haven't tried it yet. It's too close to something I love dearly.
I was told about another place near my hostel that has cheap middle east style wraps for cheap too. They're called like borcheks or something. I'll edit this post later when I find out what they're really called, but I probably won't actually do that. They have different styles, but I mostly get the lamb. In fact, most places I like to get lamb, which is good because it's pretty common here and pretty delicious. OH! Shit, I almost forgot to mention that I still have yet to try kangaroo meat, but I've found where to get it a market. What I really want, though, is to find a restaurant that serves it...

There are actually a lot of grocery stores nearby that make life a little bit cheaper, but cooking in the hostel is a bit trying. There's an Aldi about a block away and a Woolworths about 5 away. The kitchen in the hostel is large and always busy, there's no stove, and the refrigerators are always full. It's irritating, but it's enough to get by. More irritating though is that some asshole has been using my milk. And I need that milk to prepare the mac and cheese I smuggled into this country. Seriously, I had to declare that shit when I entered the country and they kinda scoffed at me declaring it...

I can't tell if things are really more expensive here or if I'm just trying to survive as long as possible on what I have saved. I also know that everyone around me is doing pretty much the same thing, so it doesn't help my cheap nature. I also think that since I still don't have a job, it's ever present in my mind that I have no money coming in.

I wanted to point out that I refuse to take pictures of my food, so that's why only the one picture (of Taco Bill).

There's probably more I have to say about food, but I just realize how much I already wrote and made myself very sad. Also, I'm getting really hungry now...

Australia, Finally

It's happened. I've finally arrived in Australia. As I write this, I'm at a brewery in I think Yarra (a suburb of Melboure, again, I think). In case you're wondering why I'm at a brewery, I barely know myself; there was a guy at a liquor store near the hotel, some drinks were involved, now I'm here sitting in the corner drinking. They have an bar thing every Wednesday and Friday apparently. I hope that makes it less weird. If it makes you feel better, it smells kind of like a farm in here. The brewery is called Goat... I think?

Australia is a weird place. It's a lot dryer in Melbourne than I expected. While I was taking the bus from the airport to the downtown area, it was tan and brown with spots of trees. I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess it wasn't that. Again, I don't know what I was expecting though. It's summer here, and definitely feels like it. Even at the airport it was very summery. I practically forgot how sweat feels. It's still light out and that feels really bizarre in itself. Even if the warm weather isn't too far off from the Vegas and Los Angeles weather, the fact that it's 7pm and still very light outside is fucking with my head.

I feel very foreign here. I'm having a really hard time with the whole "opposite side of the street" thing. And I'm not even driving! I keep almost running into people on the street. Because I needed wifi, I ate at Burger King, but it isn't called Burger King here. It's called Hungry Man or something. I don't know, and it probably doesn't matter. For dinner I'm committed to try something Australian, if not local. They have pizza here at the brewery, and I'm kinda tempted by that. Other than this brewery, my plan for tonight is to go to a comedy show. Trouble is, I don't know where or when the show is. The hotel I'm staying at charges for the wifi per hour, and I completely refuse to pay that. I might as well nurse a coffee or beer for the same price while I'm using the internet.

I'm going to touch on the public transport (ation; the bastards just call it "transport") later, but after getting initially very confused, I found out it's relatively easy. The biggest problem I see is that they don't publish their right way, so it doesn't show up on google maps.

I have a lot more to say, but I have a long time here, so I'll stop for now. Also, I'll add some pictures later; my Blogger app apparently doesn't get along with my Dropbox app.

Prologue Part 6: Los Angeles

2/18/13 (like 1ish am)

It's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't had the desire to post for a while. I've spent the past week in Los Angeles, and I've been busy doing nothing. This is the first vacation I've been on since being single, and it's been freeing in a way I wouldn't have imagined. A lot has happened for me here, but I want to keep this entry as brief as I can. I'm also realizing that this blog is less about the funny, and more about me as a person. So, sorry if you're here for the lulz.

Before coming here, I was extremely intimidated by Los Angeles. The prospect of such a huge city seemed like an inevitable monster that eventually I would have to tackle. Upon landing, I understood something I hadn't realized before: Los Angeles is just another city. Don't get me wrong, every city has it's own charms/quirks/idiosyncrasies that make it unique, and thus worth visiting. But I'd always separated LA and New York from all of the other cities I knew. They were the big players, and they were not to be trifled with. Maybe it was the fact that I was coming from another larger city, but regardless, I realized upon landing that despite its size, LA really just reminded me of any city.

The comedy here is good, but man is the atmosphere different. Everybody here talks about what they're doing, and talks about their job in show-business. I managed to go to two open mics, and a paid show in Santa Monica. I'm really glad I got a taste of what it's like here (even it was just a morsel), but I can see that I'm not ready to live here.

Other than the comedy here, I did the obligatory things to do in LA: I went to the beach, and I went to Hollywood. I posted my reaction to the beach on Instigram, but my thought is worth reiterating here: I was very surprisingly awestruck by the beach. I want to mention that this was not my first time visiting the ocean, nor was it even my first time at an ocean beach, but it was my first visit since becoming an adult (of sorts). And as if on cue, I felt like a child again. I ran from the waves, I played in the sand, I chased the birds. It was particularly magnificent. I'm looking forward to having a beach so readily available in my new home.
For the second obligatory, I made several trips to Hollywood. The first trip was early on with a friend from back home. It was cool to see a few ins and outs of the city, stuff I never would have seen without her. Additionally though, I met a group of international types at the hostel here, and have been back to Hollywood several times. It's odd to so easily make friends from around the world, but I'll be damned if it doesn't make the experience more fun. I want to sum up Hollywood like this: touristy and unremarkable. I felt obligated to go and am glad I did, but honestly, it just feels sort unnecessary.

Which brings me to my next point. While I had no intentions of visiting Las Vegas, well, ever, sometimes life throws you a curveball. I'll be going to Vegas with my buddy Joe in the morning.