Cairns

So I've left. I left Melbourne and I am the saddest I've been for a long time. It's physically painful. It's even painful to write about, but at the same time if I don't record these feelings now I'll lose them. Life moves on, and I know that, but you don't expect it to hurt as much as it does.

I'm desperately trying to figure out how to get back and live in Melbourne. I'm anxious about what life waits for me back Minneapolis. It's home, and it always will be, but Melbourne felt different. Like a different kind of home. I left my comfort zone in a big to come to Australia, but I was ready to move on then. I was ready for a new adventure. Now I've left Melbourne and I just question everything I'm doing.

When I first got to Melbourne I remember talking to Arj Barker after a show at Spleen. I'd talked to him before at Acme, and figured it was worth talking to him. When we were chatting he mentioned how great it must be for me. But at the time, I my thought was "seriously? This isn't great. It's not bad, but certainly isn't great." It's amazing to think of how much I've grown since then. It took so long to get a point where I was with people who cared about me. I found acceptance, and it took a long time to find.

Now I'm back living in a hostel. I hate living in hostels. Frankly, I hate travelling. I just don't like being away from my home, where ever that home may be. I remember as a kid getting back from family vacations and just being relieved. Realistically the only reason I'm in Cairns in the first place is out of some stupid obligation I feel towards home. I'm up here chasing that a dream that other people think I should want. My head is full of regrets about being here. Why didn't I stay and be with my friends who love me in Melbourne for my last month instead of flying to this soggy forest? It doesn't feel right, and yet I have no one to blame but myself. Cairns is not a place that I would choose to live in. Had I known what I was getting myself into I may have chosen differently. There are too many North American tourists. In fact, there's too much tourism in general. I'm going snorkling tomorrow in the Great Barrier Reef, and I'm not even that excited. There's a just a pit in my stomach.

I worry that dwelling is making things worse, but also that if I stop thinking about how great a time I had in Melbourne it'll disappear. My dad said I'm coping with loss, and that doesn't seem like that far off the mark. What's even harder is that I know if I were to stay in Melbourne permanently things still wouldn't be the same. Life is always changing. Making new friends, losing touch with others, building new experiences. But letting go is hard.

Oh, and it's hot and humid here and I resent it for that too.

Goodbye Melbourne, Part 1

I'm packing things up right now, and it's very difficult. There's a little night stand of drawers that has been accumulating personal possessions since I moved in, and cleaning it out is hard. It's the little reminders, how things got there, business cards from various people I barely remember meeting, but at the same time know exactly when and where it happened. All the things on the wall that were of any permanence for me are going to be removed. I haven't been this sad to leave somewhere since my apartment on campus where I lived 3 years. This place I've only been 6 months. It's only been less than a single year that I've spent here, but it feels like so much longer. A comic last night whom I'm not particularly close, but is held in well regard commented about it. I mentioned I hadn't been here for more than a year, which surprised him. It's nice to know when someone says you've made quite the impression on people. I know that I'm missed back home. I know that. But when I left there, I knew I was coming back. This place, I probably can't. And importantly, what I return to if I do will be different. Everything will be different. I have the thought that going home will be the same, but I'm scared that it won't be. And that fear isn't that it might not be, it's a fear of the unknown. EVERYTHING IS UNKNOWN AND I'M BLOODY SICK OF IT.

I went out with Stacey today for dumplings. I commented on how I don't even know where I would go to get dumplings in Minneapolis, though I just developed a taste for them locally so recently. When we finished eating we got McDonalds 30 cent ice cream cones and sat in the sun in the CBD. We chatted a bit, and a busker started setting up near our bench. He was drinking a Coke. While relatively inconsequential, it looked good and I thought about the balloon shop on La Trobe and Elizabeth where I frequented first because it was near the hostel, and later near Salmat. I got to know the proprietor over the various months. Eddy. He's a chatty guy, and so am I, so we eventually started talking. The first time was when he noticed my change purse. It's weird how in a situation full of unknown people who are always shifting in and out of your life, sometimes just a man who owns a balloon store can bring immense comfort. I also know that he's a good human being; one time I saw a homeless man who lives nearby come in with his change, and Eddy swapped him for actual notes. It's that kind of small inteaction that made me like him in the first place.
I suggested that we go to the store, so that I could say goodbye to Eddy, knowing full well that he may not be there. But sure enough, there he was. You don't neccesarily know how your life will be affected by change until it happens.

I wish I didn't have to leave.

Right now I'm off to join some mates at the pub. I sold my bicycle today, so it's going to take a while to get there, but I'm quite keen to go.

Letting Go

Hi. I'm at the library today cowering from the heat. It's terribly hot today. In fact, it's a four day stretch of scorching heat. Each is over 40 degrees Celsius. Yesterday was the hottest temperature day I've ever encountered. It got up to 109 Fahrenheit. But it's dry heat, so it's relatively tolerable. Well during the day. It sucks harsh at night.

I'm not sure how much more I could talk about the weather if I really wanted to, but this post isn't about that. I've been putting off talking about is that I'm finally leaving Melbourne, and I'm at the point of acceptance. It took me a while to get this point, but I'm here. It got to the point where I was having difficulty booking flights because booking the flight meant I was really leaving. Obviously, procrastination is not a great tactic while booking flights, I booked my flight to Cairns a week or two ago and now I leave in less than two weeks. It's hard to leave, but I'm ready.

God, I just don't know what to say. I'm just in this anxious period of travelling where I'm just waiting until I leave. I'm busy virtually every night until I leave, mostly comedy nights. But the days are still open and I have little to do. One thing I have planned for is that I'm having a going away party this Saturday. Like most parties I've hosted in the past, I'm simultaneously concerned that no one will come and that there will be too many people. I think the latter is most likely to be the case, but both are still possibilities (at least in my mind).

Despite becoming a vegetarian, I'm going to eat meat a few times in the near future, first at my party. Because I'll no longer be able to get it, I'm gonna eat kangaroo. Frankly, I don't feel bad about eating kangaroo since it's very environmentally friendly. I'm also planning on eating meat on Australia day. My friends are throwing a party which has been labelled "Dan Juola Day", and the plan is to eat buffalo wings, drink American beer, and light fireworks. I know that they've been eager to make buffalo wings, and it's already a holiday. So really, it's more happenstance than anything, but still, it's touching. It's really gonna feel like a 4th of July party and I'm super stoked.

I know I've posted in the past about my concerns regarding the future, but I want to reiterate that they have not been allayed. I'm considering buying a plane ticket back to Australia for next year just to force myself to come back. I just... I just don't want to leave this part of my life behind.

Lastly, I tried to write a retrospective piece on the first day of the year, but it seemed like a small milestone. My yearlong milestone will be upon me soon, so expect a post about that in the near-ish future.

Summer/Winter Travel Plans

12/17/13
It's December, and that means summer. I haven't yet titled this blog post yet, but it will need a title. I'd rather not post "hey mid december!" as my title, but if push comes to shove, that's probably what will happen.

Let's just (and by "let's" I mean, I'm gonna write, and you're gonna read) talk about what I've been up to:
I've been unemployed here for over two months now. Amazingly, I'm not destitute. I'm not rich, that's for damn sure, but I'll survive on what I've got until I have to leave. I've been casually looking for employment, but at this point it's too late. In fact, I'm about two months too late. What I really should have done was start looking for a new job immediately after quitting Foxtel, but I didn't, and now I'm relatively stuck. Frankly though, I'm content with my decision. A little bit of extra cash would have been nice, but I'll get by with what I've currently got, plus my Australian tax rebate, and credit card. I get a distinct impression that what will likely happen is that I'm going to be coming home with a smidge of debt. But with a little luck I'll be able to knock that out swiftly.
What's left for me is what I want to do with my remaining time here. The month is booked pretty solidly, comedically. January specifically. My thought was that I'll leave Melbourne immediately following my last day on my lease, but I have a few gigs afterward, and furthermore Australia Day is on January 26th (it's like Australia's 4th of July), about a week after. While I could obviously celebrate it anywhere in Australia, and my plan was to be in Sydney, but it's really more of a bbq/hang out with friends holiday. I'd really rather be with friends rather than strangers on a day like that. So if that's how my plan goes, I leave Melbourne on the 27th, go to Sydney for a week or so, hit up Queensland for about a week as well, see Uluru (the giant rock I'm obliged to see), and then leave the country. Pushing my departure from Melbourne by a week really cuts into my tourist time, but so be it. Actually, maybe I can go to Uluru and back between when I leave Melbourne and Australia day...  Clearly I have to look into my further plans.

The only thing I know for sure is that I have to leave the country on February 21st. The plan had been to go to SE Asia for a while, then New Zealand, then home, but in part due to my financial situation, and partially because I'd really have to get back earlier, I'm thinking about skipping Asia. I know it's maybe not the right decision, because how long until I come back to this part of the world. I think what I really need to look into is what I can do and how long and how much it costs. I still really want to go skydiving in New Zealand, and want to spend at least a week or two there. I've started to wonder why I want to go to Asia at all. In part, it was because it's so cheap there, and it's a great place to lounge. Drinks are cheap, food is cheap, travel is cheap. But how much do I care about that? It's just another place to spend my remaining money. I honestly think what I've done here is as good or better than that would have been. I find myself having a really great experience going out constantly here. I have friends here. Any night of the week something is going on, and I know I'm welcome. It took some time before it happened, but I really feel home here now. I'm beginning to dread going home. I've also started seeing someone, and it's been nice having companionship. I'd forgotten how much I like simple things like holding hands walking down the street. Sleeping around is alright, but I miss somebody to actually care about. I'm not sure exactly what happens next, since I obviously have to leave here, but for now I'm in a good place. There's obviously plans that I could make, or at least think about, but part of me really doesn't want to. I'd rather let things go how they're going to.

What I think I need to do now is talk to somebody with a bit of information about travelling. I also think I just need to let myself max out my credit card and worry about the consequences later. Sorry Future Dan, but things might suck for you.

So, Where Do We Go From Here?

Let's just jump in.

I decided against doing the comedy festival. It was becoming stressful, and really, I'm beginning to feel the itch to leave Melbourne. I'll be here until at least mid January, but I think what happens after that is I explore Australia for a bit, leave when my via expires, travel around this side of the pacific a little, then head home. I didn't take the decision to decline the festival lightly, but what it would mean is that I have to stay put for half a year, and I'm just prepared to do that. There was also a concern regarding the visa situation, and I'd rather not get burned. I think it's just best to let it go, maybe try again in a year or so, get a producer and apply super early. Melbourne's been good to me. I've enjoyed my time here, but barring some significant wrinkle, it's time to wind it down. I've a few pretty great gigs lined up for before I leave. I'm also gonna be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and probably New Years. I've also grown a lot. I know I'll have a big retrospective when I'm closer to leaving, s expect that in a few weeks.
I'm not sure what will happen with this blog when I leave. I mean the title will become a bit of a misnomer. I haven't been Ju-wallowing for months now, so when I leave Australia it'll be completely wrong.

Back to the present though, I do need to get a job for a while. A few weeks at least. Maybe it's not wise to broadcast my plans case potential employers read this blog, but I doubt anywhere I will apply gives too big a shit. I just need to pay rent, have a couple grand to travel. I know I'll be getting some money back, and I can sustain myself on credit for a while, but I'd like to avoid it if possible. The problem with jobs though, is they suck. Don't get me wrong, I'm getting bored of not doing anything. I feel guilty just reading when it's so nice out, and it seems like all I do is go out and drink. While fun, it's really no way to live. It gets sad. I watched the entire sixth season of Mad Men while nursing a hangover. While I really enjoyed it, I couldn't shake the feeling of futility; what's the point? I'm in Australia, but I'm just hiding away inside. I haven't written a decent joke in months, and I know it's because I'm not having interactions with strangers I normally wouldn't talk to. It's time to make a change.

Prologue Part 6: Los Angeles

2/18/13 (like 1ish am)

It's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't had the desire to post for a while. I've spent the past week in Los Angeles, and I've been busy doing nothing. This is the first vacation I've been on since being single, and it's been freeing in a way I wouldn't have imagined. A lot has happened for me here, but I want to keep this entry as brief as I can. I'm also realizing that this blog is less about the funny, and more about me as a person. So, sorry if you're here for the lulz.

Before coming here, I was extremely intimidated by Los Angeles. The prospect of such a huge city seemed like an inevitable monster that eventually I would have to tackle. Upon landing, I understood something I hadn't realized before: Los Angeles is just another city. Don't get me wrong, every city has it's own charms/quirks/idiosyncrasies that make it unique, and thus worth visiting. But I'd always separated LA and New York from all of the other cities I knew. They were the big players, and they were not to be trifled with. Maybe it was the fact that I was coming from another larger city, but regardless, I realized upon landing that despite its size, LA really just reminded me of any city.

The comedy here is good, but man is the atmosphere different. Everybody here talks about what they're doing, and talks about their job in show-business. I managed to go to two open mics, and a paid show in Santa Monica. I'm really glad I got a taste of what it's like here (even it was just a morsel), but I can see that I'm not ready to live here.

Other than the comedy here, I did the obligatory things to do in LA: I went to the beach, and I went to Hollywood. I posted my reaction to the beach on Instigram, but my thought is worth reiterating here: I was very surprisingly awestruck by the beach. I want to mention that this was not my first time visiting the ocean, nor was it even my first time at an ocean beach, but it was my first visit since becoming an adult (of sorts). And as if on cue, I felt like a child again. I ran from the waves, I played in the sand, I chased the birds. It was particularly magnificent. I'm looking forward to having a beach so readily available in my new home.
For the second obligatory, I made several trips to Hollywood. The first trip was early on with a friend from back home. It was cool to see a few ins and outs of the city, stuff I never would have seen without her. Additionally though, I met a group of international types at the hostel here, and have been back to Hollywood several times. It's odd to so easily make friends from around the world, but I'll be damned if it doesn't make the experience more fun. I want to sum up Hollywood like this: touristy and unremarkable. I felt obligated to go and am glad I did, but honestly, it just feels sort unnecessary.

Which brings me to my next point. While I had no intentions of visiting Las Vegas, well, ever, sometimes life throws you a curveball. I'll be going to Vegas with my buddy Joe in the morning.