Cairns

So I've left. I left Melbourne and I am the saddest I've been for a long time. It's physically painful. It's even painful to write about, but at the same time if I don't record these feelings now I'll lose them. Life moves on, and I know that, but you don't expect it to hurt as much as it does.

I'm desperately trying to figure out how to get back and live in Melbourne. I'm anxious about what life waits for me back Minneapolis. It's home, and it always will be, but Melbourne felt different. Like a different kind of home. I left my comfort zone in a big to come to Australia, but I was ready to move on then. I was ready for a new adventure. Now I've left Melbourne and I just question everything I'm doing.

When I first got to Melbourne I remember talking to Arj Barker after a show at Spleen. I'd talked to him before at Acme, and figured it was worth talking to him. When we were chatting he mentioned how great it must be for me. But at the time, I my thought was "seriously? This isn't great. It's not bad, but certainly isn't great." It's amazing to think of how much I've grown since then. It took so long to get a point where I was with people who cared about me. I found acceptance, and it took a long time to find.

Now I'm back living in a hostel. I hate living in hostels. Frankly, I hate travelling. I just don't like being away from my home, where ever that home may be. I remember as a kid getting back from family vacations and just being relieved. Realistically the only reason I'm in Cairns in the first place is out of some stupid obligation I feel towards home. I'm up here chasing that a dream that other people think I should want. My head is full of regrets about being here. Why didn't I stay and be with my friends who love me in Melbourne for my last month instead of flying to this soggy forest? It doesn't feel right, and yet I have no one to blame but myself. Cairns is not a place that I would choose to live in. Had I known what I was getting myself into I may have chosen differently. There are too many North American tourists. In fact, there's too much tourism in general. I'm going snorkling tomorrow in the Great Barrier Reef, and I'm not even that excited. There's a just a pit in my stomach.

I worry that dwelling is making things worse, but also that if I stop thinking about how great a time I had in Melbourne it'll disappear. My dad said I'm coping with loss, and that doesn't seem like that far off the mark. What's even harder is that I know if I were to stay in Melbourne permanently things still wouldn't be the same. Life is always changing. Making new friends, losing touch with others, building new experiences. But letting go is hard.

Oh, and it's hot and humid here and I resent it for that too.