Embracing Different

Editor's note: I'm aware this is probably not the most complete post I've ever written. It's vague. Sorry. I'm not really. This is my blog and I'll do what I like with it.



I'm at home right now, and actually about to go to an info session for the festival, but I wanted to put some thoughts down.

I think it's very good that I did this, travel here. I doubt I'll stay here, but I think that's mostly due to visa circumstances. It's absolutely incredible that I've traveled across the world, created an entirely new network of people that realistically I have no business meeting. I never would have considered leaving home if not for events that I had virtually no control and no choice. Additionally, I think of people, friends, moving to other cities. Some go back a long way, but others are relatively new, barely beyond a year. The world is a scary place. I do not know what happens next in my life. There's a very strong pull back to Minneapolis. Very strong. But not immeasurable, and I know that I have other options, if less safe. Safety left me happy, if ignorant, in Minneapolis. In fact talking about plans other than the one I've been envisioning if quite scary.

I signed up for a story telling event next Tuesday, and that terrifies me. A lot of comic's here do story telling, and seemed like something I should try. After all, I get on stage and tell people things right? But as the event looms, I'm mortified. I was considering cancelling, or pushing back the date. I decided not to though; one of the things I want to do with my time is to try new things, things that are sometimes scary. I don't know who I am, or who I'm becoming, but I've decided it's alright if it's something a little different. And I still have a lot new experiences awaiting.

Unemployment Part: Uh.... Unemployment: the Next Part

Maybe it's sad that I've lost track of the times I've been unemployed in this last year. Or maybe it's a good thing (it's not).

The last post I started to explain where I am in life. It's very liberating to have the time to do what I want, but looming over me are great stresses. The Melbourne International Comedy Festival registration is coming up, and it's not a small feat to put together a show. Also, though I have enough cash on hand to live on for a few months, I also know that it is not infinite. Both those weigh heavy on me, but the pull to just relax and go back into vacation mode is also strong. In a lot of ways it's stronger. For example, though heavy is the shadow of the Festival, I've started reading again. Within the last few days, I've read the entire "Fellowship of the Ring", and yesterday alone, I blew through half of the "Two Towers". It's long been a goal of mine to read the Lord of the Rings, but who has the time. Turns out I do, as long as I completely skirt the responsibilities I absolutely have to finish.

I should say this isn't the a new feeling. The stress is like being in college again, but instead of papers and projects it's something that I actively want to pursue. And instead of video games, I'm reading (admittedly, fantasy) books.
I know that I'm dragging my feet on regarding the festival show. It's not even the actual work that's behind my procrastination; it's the fear of rejection. What if I apply and don't get in? Obviously, I have contingency plans, and I'm not long for Melbourne in the event my show is rejected. I mean, I didn't come here to create extra stress for myself, but I'm here, and so is it. I just worry that the rest of my life is one big ball of stress. Our culture prides itself on producers, people who create and accomplish. But that creation and accomplishment is very much tied to constant stress. The older I get the more I realize it just doesn't stop.

The thing is, the show itself is coming along quite nicely. I'm quite happy with the jokes, and even reaching 45 minutes doesn't seem like it's that much of a stretch.


I also feel like that I should talk about food, because, you know, I like to eat. I'm in love with meat pies as of late. Upon arrival, I was skeptical, maybe even a little hostile. But no longer! Guys, I am super all about pies. As my time passes in this country, I'm beginning to colour (shit, I just did that accidentally...) the picture of things I'll miss. Would I trade Pieface for Taco Bell? I'm not sure I would. But I am concerned that I won't have ready access to pies. Also Bundaberg "Rum". It's actually not really a rum. I mean, it is kind of. Well, let's put it this way, Bundaberg company sent a bottle to a rum competition with over 500 rums, and the competition sent it back. It's considered particularly white trash, but goddamn if I don't love it.

Transition

I quit my job.

That's probably the most important thing that's happened to me in the recent past, and a turning point for my trip. It seems as though the "making money" portion of my trip is, if not at a complete end, absolutely on the back-burner. It also means there's a significant (and stressful, FUCKING HOORAY) period in my near future.

I realize that I haven't posted anything in quite a while. Sorry. Go check back. I've written some things that you can look back on that hopefully I've posted. If not, well, I'll be home eventually. You can assault me for it.

There's a pull I've been feeling lately. The beginning of my trip was in a lot of ways relaxing. I recognize that it was also very stressful. My guess is because I wasn't able to accept the non-stress. One of my chief concerns upon arrival was to find work immediately. I felt the financial pinch of travelling very acutely, and was not fond of it. Even now, being jobless has a way of creating extra stress where extra stress is not needed. I know that I like to think that I'm a very stress free person. In a lot of ways I am. I like to cultivate this image, but realistically I stress out very easily. I still do not like being single. I'm not sure if that's something I've discussed at any length; I know I've talked about how the end of a relationship affected me, but I don't know that I've discussed being in a state of "single". It's not my intention to say that I'm looking for a relationship. That seems like a problematic state to be in. I also miss the relationships from back home. At the genesis of these feelings is that I've been feeling like an outsider.


And I stopped writing.
I want you all to know that what's happened, and why this post feels like it was abruptly ended. Because it did. Rather than continue a mindset I'm no longer I'm entirely in, I've opted to start another post.