One thing that moving into a house means is that I've moved out of the hostels. There's a lot of reasons to get out of the hostel life, and rest assured,
I'm quite thrilled. When one lives in the hostels, there's a definite sense of
temporarity both in your living arrangement, and you in the people you know.
There's a constant sense that everyone you know will be leaving and a new group
of people will come through. It's a an odd situation with its own perks and
pitfalls. You can change who you want to be within the span of a few weeks, but
I have very few non-temporary friends from the hostels; I'd gone through about
4 solid groups of a friends while there. Its easy to get lonely. I want to
point out that it's not that I couldn't have been better friends with them;
it's just that lives are in motion. Beyond the human factor of not having a
recurring group of people in your life, there's also the actual physical space
that's in flux. The constant struggle of renewing a room, or changing hostels,
or not knowing what to expect from the people who sleep literally less than 5ft
away from your head. It's surprising how easily it is to adapt though, and to
find comfort in the situation. Sure, I (and many people, if not most)
complained about the situation, but there's a sense of freedom to it as well.
Especially being on the older end of the spectrum there. I met a woman there (I
have ambivalence toward how I want to title her: I find "girl" to be
somewhat outmoded a term for a female beyond the age of about 22, but
"woman" sounds particularly formal for someone it a situation such as
this. Know that I use the term "woman" uncomfortably) who completely
embraced the hostel's temporarity. In England she'd recently had landlord
issues, and like the idea of being able to just pick up and go with no real
barriers. When I moved down here, I didn't want that kind of lifestyle, but having experienced it by proxy, it's something that I am envious of. And while the move to a grounded environment is a symptom of the overall situation brought by a need to stay in the Melbourne comedy scene, it nonetheless feels limiting. I can't just up and leave for Sydney or Perth or Thailand. For better or worse, I live in Melbourne.
In that vein of thinking, this move has been a lot scarier than my move to Australia. It's a completely new stage in my "adventure" down here. I now have rent, bills. A more permanent life. This trip up to this point has felt very much life a vacation. This move changes that. I mean, I obviously realize that I'm still away from home (although sometimes I forget even that. It's a novel concept every time I think about it), but this is the semblance of a real life. It is my life and it is real. I went grocery shopping shortly after moving in. Know that the store I went to was a familiar store (ok, not the particular store, but the chain or stores- Coles), but being in there, I was close to having a panic attack. I want to point out that panic attacks are not a regular occurrence for me. The concept of leaving everyone I know finally caught up with me.
I've found that I miss weird things. I realized I missed Grumpy's a few weeks back. Grumpy's has never even really been a venue I particularly liked. I think it's more a symptom of loneliness here, and a longing for close friends. Those kinds of connections are developing here, and I'm grateful for that, but I still miss what I've left behind. Which in and of itself is a new experience down here. This loneliness has apparently been building, because up until the last few weeks I was happy on my cavalier little way. I have openly boasted about the fact that what I miss most of all is Taco Bell. I don't want to say that sentiment is gone; it isn't. What I'm alluding to is that the intangibles are developing into expressible feelings. Taco Bell is me missing small comforts of America. It's concrete and easy to pin down. This new feeling is more difficult to expound.
I want to point out that this post dives into nuances of my psyche. I am not in any worried state. The precedent feelings are being drawn out of an overall high spirited temperament, and are still only a glimpse of the entire picture. Additionally the word "consequences" is not used for the negative connotations that are often asserted with it.